all about the sex
A charming nine-year-old I know and love was recently exposed to the act of coitus (it was very accidental and the parents immediately put locks on the doors). She is now referring to it as, "the sex," and she is MORTIFIED. As she peppered me with questions I was entirely unprepared to answer, I found myself trying to freeze the moment in time to be as sex-positive with my response as possible- how do I answer these questions without any hint of shame or judgment? How can I use this moment to frame her understanding of sex in a healthy & supportive way?
If you read my newsletter, you know I spend a lot of time thinking about and writing about mental models. The narratives we’re given by the world around us, and the ones we write for ourselves along life’s journey. Towards the end of 2019 I realized there was one major mental model I had yet to explore and unpack - my own mental models regarding sexuality. Who talked to me about sex as a curious & confused 9 year old? Where did my sexual narratives originate? What scripts have I been unconsciously replaying and repeating? Are those stories keeping me stuck or serving my expansion?
So, true to my nature and deep love of learning, I dove in. Books. Articles. Podcasts. Counseling. All helpful steps to unraveling what wasn’t serving my liberation so I could replace those models with narratives that empower and inspire me to live into my sexuality and the vitality it provides in the fullest, clearest, most ‘genuine for me’ way possible. It takes effort & intention to dismantle the limiting narratives we’re given. It can be painful and leave you feeling more confused than when your exploration began, but the temporary pain is worth it the payoff. Especially in regards to something as personal and powerful as your relationship to your own sexuality. And, you don’t have to do this exploring alone. I’ve included my favorite resources below (and in this doc) in case you’re ready to take the first step, no matter how small.
Friends, you deserve to feel delicious in your sexuality. Inspired by your sensuality. Empowered by your erotic vitality. If you feel miles away from all that...take a deep breath in...and know you’re perfectly ok. Start where you are and trust in your own process of unfolding and growth. You have an exciting journey of exploring ahead and a world of pleasure awaits you.
Love,
Maria
Resources Galore!
Take the Erotic Blueprint quiz ASAP. If you're familiar with the 5 Love Languages you'll appreciate this simple but powerful exploration of your sexual blueprint (as well as your lovers'). The author's idea is that lovers aren't necessarily sexually incompatible, they just don't have languaging around their desires and thus, can't communicate their needs effectively. Friends, take this opportunity right here & right now to learn your erotic language and how to communicate your needs!
Read Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski if you want to understand if your sexuality, body, genitals, desires, orgasms, etc. are normal (SPOILER: THEY ARE).
Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters--And How to Get it by Laurie Mintz. Orgasms...get yourself some...
Wondering how, as a society, we landed on monogamy as the dominant paradigm as opposed to the countless other options that exist? Read, Sex at Dawn; How we Mate, Why we Stray and What it Means for Modern Relationships by Christopher Ryan. My mind was blown.
Read or listen to anything by Esther Perel, especially if you're wondering how to keep the erotic alive in the midst of domesticity. I'm currently obsessing over Mating in Captivity and her podcast, 'Where Should We Begin,' is not to be missed.
Not sure how to talk to the little ones in your life? Check out the FB page, Amy Lang’s Birds + Bees + Kids. Funny, sweet, incredibly informative support for our little’s of all ages.
Moregasm: Babelands Guide to Mind-blowing Sex by Rachel Venning, Claire Cavanaugh, and Jessica Vitkus, the ultimate “how-to,” sex guide for all types of people and all types of sex. I highly recommend doing the yes/no/maybe activity.
Counseling Resources! Check out the therapists listed at NWIOI and the AASECT.