listening to your heart
The last few months I have been healing a broken heart. It wasn't broken by the ending of a relationship, major life transition, or loss of a loved one. What caused the break was an attachment to a deep longing, unfulfilled. Something I want desperately in my life that has yet to materialize. As I moved towards my 38th birthday (June 3rd, I will accept gifts in the form of hugs and fine wine) the realization that yet another year has passed and this dream I cling to, long for, proactively work for, still isn't part of my life despite all my best efforts sent me spiraling into a chapter of grief.
Not capital G Grief, the grief we experience when our worlds gets torn from under us and our hearts shatter in an instant. Little g grief. The kind of sadness that hangs heavy on your heart day after day, seemingly without explanation. The grief that clouds your vision on even the brightest of days leading you to believe your world is grey. The grief that convinces your thoughts into thinking you're all alone in this world and keeps a sense of hope just outside your grasp. For me, this little g grief is always made worse by the shame that accompanies it. Thoughts like...
"Get over yourself, your life's not that bad."
"I should just be grateful and focus on what's positive."
"There is real suffering and injustice in this world, I have no right to be this sad over nothing."
While a zoomed out perspective when we're in pain can be helpful and important to explore, shame-based thoughts like above rarely move us through grief any faster and only compound the pain that's present. I have found only 2 things really move us through chapters of grief, time and full-presence. Sure, self-love practices (taking nourishing care of your body, being with people you love, endless bubble baths...) all support our hearts healing process like salve on a wounded area, but ultimately, what's needed is our full attention and acceptance of the fact that pain/grief is present.
I had to slow down enough to get really quiet and listen. Ouch. My poor little tender heart. She wants to be wide open to this crazy world and the beautiful people that comprise it, but she needed time to curl in upon herself and cry. For her own losses. For the suffering in our world. For what her heart wants so desperately but that hasn't come to life. She needed time, prayers, meditations, deep breaths and for me to put both my hands on her and say, "it's ok you feel broken. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere. Take all the time you need to heal and tell me how I can help."
So I listened. And I learned. And I committed to myself that next time small g grief comes to visit I won't fight against it so hard. I will allow time and presence for that pain and give it everything it needs to feel heard and acknowledged.
I hope you can do the same. Put both hands on your heart, take some deep breaths and listen to what your heart is asking for, or what's causing it to feel pain, or what it needs to be at peace. Our world needs your heart wide open, and the only way to keep it open despite the pain present in our lives is to allow it to cycle through its chapters of hope...and it's chapters of grief...with your full presence and care.
With love from my wide open heart,
Maria